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From Robert Grobe to Dog-4:26 PM 10/28/03
an inquiry: given the probably larger number of kids and family at the game than usual, will you consider how to organize the teams in such a way that all can have their turn to make gridiron history - my 9 year old grandson is coming, my son Dave will probably come; Ruth and her husband, Tom, will come - and if other people, guests, arrive, perhaps offensive and defensive units can be formed; or two full teams per side? I leave it to your FECUND imagination.
Answer from Dog-10:28 AM 10/29/03
horg: excellent that your family will be so well represented. the swine bowl personnel committee has been meeting in all-day (and sometimes late-night) sessions for months, and they have come up with a master plan for game L. i have to confess i don't fully comprehend its complexities, but as i understand, players will be rotated in and out of the game in shifts, the composition of which will be determined by a computer-generated model using data that reflects age, sex, size, family connection, residence, weight, hair color, clothing style, sense of humor, punting ability, political affiliation, foot size, official town of residence as of 12 a.m., january 1, 1954, inseam measurement, emotional stability, number of marxist-humanist meetings attended, medical history, iq, nose length, and alcohol consumption at previous swine bowl gatherings (as you know, our stat committee has been compiling this data for many decades). i believe the plan at this point is to play fourteen seven-minute periods with 9 players to a side in the first half, and then switch over to an alternating pattern of four minute periods with 263 players on a side for at least 17 more periods, or until people get cold, whichever comes first, thence to conclude with a "sudden death" sequence in which a randomly organized (also computer-generated) series of alternating downs would be played until the score reaches a tie and the game ends. if a tie is not achieved after 30 series of downs, the outcome of the game will be settled by mortal combat between boom and hertz and concluded at such time as both of them are dead. now this was the last i heard, but i understand there may still be some fine-tuning by the committee, so don't take this as final.
seriously, i think it will all work out as long as we maintain the appropriately chaotic spirit of swine bowl. i think the best thing is for all of us to get out there, argue a little, and then when people get tired of that, just start playing any old way. it's always worked in the past.
i'm conveying a faire copie of the swine bowl odes (original text of 1966) to julie (recovered from the bodleian library). scholars will note a few discrepancies between that and your slightly corrupted edition, but i doubt if the general public will even notice. however, my thanks. it's always valuable to compare different editions, and your critical notes in the margins were, of course, invaluable as always. in sure hope of the resurrection i remain, yr. obdt srvt, d. dogge
Comment from Boom-3:27 PM 10/29/03
All these plans look
excellent. Don't change a thing. The only flaw involves the
circumstances of the mortal combat between me and Hertz. I hear
rumors that Hertz is, alas, already dead, murdered in a Victor Serge
Society coup in Mexico City, However, we can still simulate the
mortal combat with a realistic stuffed wind-up Hertz-like figure,
which can win, if that's okay with the committee. Only Julie and a
procession of grieving widows will know it's not the real Hertz, and
some of them may be fooled.