Greetings, Swine! I hope it doesn't shock you all too much to receive the Swine Report within a few weeks of the game, rather than the following spring, but I decided it was so annoying to have it hanging over me for months causing pangs of guilt that I decided to forgo my usual procrastination and just do it. I trust no one will be offended. I realize a certain tradition is being violated, but Swine have always been noted for their "flexibility"--a discreet word for the ability to shrug and say "whatever."

This year we were saddened by the absence of Kay Boom, who had succumbed to illness some months previously. Although Kay never, in this reporter's recollection, took to the field of battle, her gracious presence as hostess of the annual post-game Swine celebration on Central Park West for so many years (30? 40?) was so much a fixture of the occasion that it seemed both strange and sad to be convening without her. All extend their condolences to Boom, who graciously opened his door to us even in this time of sadness. Fortunately the task of helping Boom prepare for the onslaught of Swine was taken on by Jenny Greeman, who generously offered a large chunk of her morning tidying up and setting out food--joined by ever loyal mom Julie. In a year when several other Greemans were unable to make their usual appearances, Jenny and Julie upheld the family name with honor and distinction. But we miss Kay, and will remember her fondly.

This year's game was attended by the following individuals: Yours truly; Jude; Cassie & Phil (a rookie); Sammy B; Allie & Heather (also a rookie, though on the disabled list due to broken wrist; Amber (Heather's daughter); Caleb (Amber's boyfriend); Harold (Caleb's uncle--no, just kidding); Jenny Greeman; Julie Greeman; Boom; John (Boom's nephew); Ian (John's son); Michael Waltuch; Robert Grobe; Mitchel; Tony; Sheila; Simon; Elliot; Cousin Charles (Tony's cousin); Judy (Charles' companion); Jody; Henry Ilian (Jody's friend); Julia (Henry's daughter); Emma (Dog & Jude's niece); Ryan (Emma's boyfriend); Chris (Emma & Ryan's friend); Nate (Dog & Jude's nephew); Jake (Nate's friend). Not all of these folks actually played, and not all were there the whole time. Conspicuous absentees: Uncle Meatball, busy overturning and setting fire to cars in France; Timmy Greeman, recuperating from heart surgery (breaking a decades-long string of perfect attendance); his sons Jon and Ben; Nick, Dustin, and Courtney Taylor (off at the usual soccer tournament--we'll have to do something about that); Polly Hill (reportedly held prisoner in Miami Beach); Jennie Breslaw & boyfriend Jonas, victims of poor communication from Papa; and last but not least Ed Greenblat, victim of confused priorities. But overall it was a good attendance, crowding the field with enough players to create the sense of chaos and confusion that is so integral to the game.

Indeed, chaos and confusion were in evidence from the outset. First of all, the traditional division of players was ignored; people just played on any side they felt like, often switching sides in the middle of the game, or even the play. The opening kickoff touched off bursts of random, pointless activity. The first play from scrimmage began by someone hiking the ball forward instead of backward, to someone (Sammy B?) who then scored unobstructed. Due to its originality, the play was not legally contested. On a later kickoff, someone on the receiving team (possibly Simon or Elliot), instead of returning the kick, placed the ball on the ground while someone else (also possibly Simon or Elliot) booted a field goal through imagined goal posts in the opposite direction, i.e. backwards. ("Backwards!" could almost be a Swine motto, since almost every feature of the game has a perverse aspect.) Again, the tally was cheerfully acknowledged as valid by both sides (not that anyone is keeping score).

After consulting his notes, your correspondent has compiled the following list of, shall we say, "interesting" plays. Full accuracy is not guaranteed (Swine tradition demands a certain amount of poetic license), but if anything here didn't actually happen, it's pretty certain something equally ridiculous did.

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• Julia, behind 12 blockers, rushes for 30 yards (that's 30 Swine yards--a Swine yard is actually about a foot).
• Ian places ball in hood of sweatshirt and does something with it, my notes fail to say what.
• Emma drops pass, but showing incredible discipline, laughs in good-natured, sportsmanlike way instead of punching out defender.
• Jenny Greeman takes over as quarterback, fires four consecutive passes, two of them complete, then demands additional downs, which are naturally granted. Eventually, someone scores.
• Robert Grobe, making rare appearance at quarterback, bounces pass off back of receiver's head. Claims to have done so intentionally.
• Mitchel rushes for 4 yards, rests for next 40 plays, cracking jokes in backfield.
• One of teams executes multiple reverse involving estimated 8 to 10 handoffs. Play gains no yardage, but as ball is inexplicably not fumbled, team is awarded points for sure-handedness.
• Allie makes patented soaring suicide dive for ball just beyond outstretched fingers, thankfully landing on portion of field unsullied by dog shit.
• Kicking off, Jody punts to altitude of 526 feet, a mere 30 less than height of Washington Monument, but sign nonetheless that he may be past his prime (this accords with rumor that he has been offered only 1-year contract next season).
• Michael Waltuch hurls pass measuring 320 yards, injures shoulder, quarterback career terminated. Moves to pass-protection unit.
• Tony and Phil execute one of most conceptually brilliant plays in history of Swine Bowl: With ball about 5 yards from goal, instead of endeavoring to move ball across goal line (normal strategy), they seize coats marking end line and relocate them closer to middle of field. Ball is now beyond goal, so touchdown is achieved without risk of failed play, and with far less energy expended. Under "Creative Cheating" provision of Swine Bowl Rule Book, tactic is allowed without objection. Rules Committee's decision could revolutionize future game strategy.
• Cassie sprains ankle. Many players wander over to sideline to express concern, depleting rosters to point where critical momentum is lost. Game effectively terminated. (Chilly, windy day also deemed factor, in spite of legendary Swine toughness.) Cassie limps to Boom's, ices ankle.

And I have forgotten to mention that the customary pre-game hand-to-hand combat between Boom and Hertz (represented this year by Jenny Greeman) ended atypically. Despite receiving many savage blows from Jenny, Boom appeared to retain consciousness, ending up merely sitting somewhat dazed on the ground, rather than lying comatose, as is generally the case. This unexpected development led to speculation that Boom may have violated Swine rules by wearing concealed armor. The matter is being investigated. Should these allegations prove true, of course, official results of the game could be overturned and Boom stripped of his many laurels, possibly even forced to resign his captaincy in disgrace. This would be a major shock. We'll keep you posted.

Annual Award results:

MVP: Julia

Rookie of the year (joint award) Phil, Ryan

Most improved player: Boom (38th consecutive year).

Following the game, players repaired as usual to Boom's for a pleasant repast. Helene Craner, Tim Rankin, and Sheila Breslaw made post-game appearances. An unusually large amount of soda was present (Boom apparently possesses a lifetime supply, sort of like a wine cellar), though stronger substances were also available. Besides the usual chitchat, a good deal of the gathering focused on a dynamic publicity and fundraising presentation by Jenny Greeman for an off-off-off-off-off-off-off- Broadway production that she will be directing in January and February, called "Screenplay." Swine are encouraged to attend a performance, possibly in a group, if arrangements can be made. Needless to say, any Swine shrewd enough to become investors in this production are more or less assured of lifetime financial security.

This account should also include the very congenial pizza party Friday night at Michael Waltuch's, attended by many of the folks listed above, plus the ever charming Anya Taylor (a.k.a. Grobus), the Belle of Nyack. She still misses Mark terribly, as do we all (the world without Mark Taylor continues to seem impoverished), but has managed to reorder her life in a way that makes it tolerable and at times even pleasurable (Grobus, correct me if I didn't get that right). There was general agreement that Michael's apartment was a more suitable (as well as cheaper) setting for conviviality than the Hunan Balcony/Hungarian Pastry Shop affair originally contemplated. Donuts were provided by Simon, in a carton that did double-duty as a list of awards. (Unfortunately, the Awards Committee punted on the actual selections.) We hope to post the list, in it's original on-cardboard format, on our Swine Bowl web site. The pizza, from nearby Arturo's, was deemed by consensus only a slight step in quality below the legendary Sal and Carmine's--high praise indeed. (A rumor had circulated that Michael had hired Sal and Carmine to come down and make the pizza, but this has been denied by Michael.)

As we approach the game's 60th anniversary, wondering if we can stagger to that milestone, we can only wonder at the peculiar yet marvelous bond that holds us together. What a ride it's been. One can only lift a glass and say: Here's to us! Here's to next year! Here's to buffoonery!

Viva Los Porcos!

Respectfully submitted, D. Dogge