In keeping with tradition, the 2008 Swine Report is unconscionably late. Your correspondent offers his usual lame apologies, but promises to make up for this by keeping it short, which he failed to do last year. (Should any Swine find themselves in need of reading material, our official Swine literary consultant, Professor M. Taylor, AKA Prof. C. Chicken, has recently recommended the Pelican edition of The Complete Works of Shakespeare.)

Like many other things in life, Swine Bowl has its natural ebb and flow. This was something of an off-year in terms of numbers--i.e. only 20 or 25 in attendance instead of 40 or 45--but such gatherings often have a relaxing and mellow flavor to them, in contrast to the feverish intensity that sometimes threatens to overwhelm us. In short, everything in its season. Swine Bowl LV was, in the judgment of this reporter, a serenely enjoyable experience. Those of you who missed it can surge back onto the field next year, fully rested and battle-ready.

Present were: Julie, Jenny, Tim R, David G (with sons Ben and Sam in debut appearance), Tim G, Jon G (the new "79"), Boom, Michael Waltuch, Mark & Anya, Dustin T, Robert & Connie Grobe, Jody, yrs. truly, Jude, Allie B, Cassie T, Max G, Sam B. Perhaps one or two guests as well??? I hope I got everyone, please let me know of any embarrassing omissions.

Unexcused absences (i.e. more-or-less regulars who pleaded, albeit without merit, conflicting obligations): Uncle Meatball, Craners, Ed G, Nick T, Polly & fambly, Aaron Beezlow, Hill/Cains. West Coasters do have a dispensation to miss an occasional year. However next year we are sending a special bus to collect you all. Be dressed and ready to board.

Once again your correspondent's abysmal memory, together with the usual deplorable lapse of several months, have left the actual game more or less a blank in said correspondent's mind. Fortunately, some of our stringers around the country have obligingly sent in their recollections. Rather than attempt to weave a coherent narrative out of these, we shall, in the interests of time and textual fidelity, reproduce them herewith in the form received (edited slightly for clarity).

From Uncle Meatball (passing on Tim Rankin's report): Dear Absent Swine and Future Historians,

We have just received the following stirring report from Timothy Rankin, our correspondent in New York (USA), which may be of interest to West Coast Swine and in any case stands on its own merits for clarity, brevity and attention to significant detail.

Your Very Own, Meatball

From Tim Rankin (via Uncle Meatball): The 55th annual Thanksgiving was overall a success. I was in all the right places at all the right times and had lots of fun. Jenny was a star all weekend.  The football was excellent.  David Greeman brought sandwiches for half-time and Tim Greeman brought a flask for the frequent breaks.  Once again, the teams were unbalanced yet only the most gracious Breslaws joined the Greemans for a brisk game that ended in a tie.  The after-game was fine though I left early with Tim, David, John, Ben and Sam while Jenny and Julie stayed late.  Dinner was as  fine as ever.  I gave Tammy a quilting book that features one of my mother's designs and I brought Johnny my compilation of funk music from the 1960s.  I also had a nice chat with Rachel who told me about how she's reading comparatively Emerson and Thoreau.  Conversations included discussions about Danny, your lecture tour, some clever jokes that made Tammy, David and Amy laugh occassionally, and updates on jobs, joblessness and retirement.  The time seemed to go quickly and the hour grew later than I expected.  We ended-up giving a lift home to the caterer Tammy hired who lives on 181st St in Manhattan--he was a nice actor named Charles.

Happy Thanksgiving, Tim

From David Greeman: There were a number of multistory running plays, all meeting the same fate!? There was a very successful fake ball touchdown play, but I  forgot who carried the fake ball to a real touchdown. In the realm of  real play Boom threw what may have been the only incomplete pass of  the first half, all others having been caught or intercepted.  Mark Taylor drank most of my calvados.   DGree

From Michael Waltuch: Weather for the day was appropriately non-descript. The "younger, smaller, decidedly swifter, more elusive" Swine Bowl 2008 model players made their auspicious debut this year. The U.S. Senate and the Big Boys from Detroit take note--the Swine can fix GM! These zippy tykes had a marked influence on the game. Naysayers who have predicted the demise of Swine Bowl must surely have crawled back into their fetid little holes on seeing all manner of wondrous runs and darting and dashing about by Generation "S"  (for Swine, of course) players. The Breslaw Boys, Sam and Al played their typical remarkable blend of Slacker/Hard Core Jock game; they should surely gain recognition for "Most Dirt Eaten" (Al) and "Most Pass Interceptions Allegedly Run Back for Touchdowns" (Sam). Their Sis, the elusive Cassie T., was not to be outdone, deserves kudos for "Best Performance Sporting a Spiffy New Hairdo". Excellent half-time sandwiches sustained the thundering hordes of swine...

From Robert Grobe (1): Once again, a splendid assembly of knights, who did disport themselves worthily. I want to tell you how splendid it was to see you, Jude, and your family. We had a wonderful time, superb weather, fierce but knightly conflict, the whole magnificent. Regards to all, Bob.

Have you Julie Greeman's email address? I wish to convey similar sentiments to that ever young lady.

From Robert Grobe (2): A swine note that probably all your commentators have mentioned,: that the strength and boldness of the youngest generation retains and perhaps exceeds the blood lust of our elder warriors in Swine Day combat. A young, bespectacled girl, shyly keeping by her father, suddenly exploded into Swine Day glory by catching a touchdown pass and trampling down seven of her forefathers as she crashed into the end zone. I don't recall her lineage, and did not recognize her proud father. Perhaps your records will reveal her patrimony. [Note: see below]

Those are the reports received. Thanks to our correspondents for this valuable information.

Incoming Personnel Department: the young woman mentioned in Robert Grobe's note above was Julia Ilian, daughter of Henry Ilian, a long-time friend of Jody Breslaw, our renowned all-time punting altitude record holder and trenchant post-game analyst. This was Henry and Julia's first Swine Bowl, and, we fervently hope, not their last. There is ample precedent in Swine Bowl for relatives or friends who appear one year by happenstance and go on to become established stars. One has only to mention a few illustrious names--Taylor, Waltuch, Purdy--to grasp what a major phenomenon this has been in the annals of Swinedom. We welcome both Ilians to the ranks of the Swine and look forward to seeing them on the field in the future.

Note: The committee charged with designating this year's Rookie-of-the-Year is still struggling through its process, but my understanding is that Julia Ilian is very much in the running for the honor, as is Ben Greeman, running back/pass receiver extraordinaire. Unfortunately, Julia's father Henry's solid but unspectacular game does not qualify him for this award, although genuine students of the game will not fail to appreciate his steady, invaluable contributions, especially in the all-important realm of wit. (Though Robert Grobe continued to dominate the category, receiving the Wittiest Player Award for the thirty-fourth year in a row.) One other observation on Julia's spectacular touchdown play that your correspondent wishes to make is that it may or may not (again memory is blurry) be the same play as the undisputed Play of the Game (see below).

Play of the Game: As noted by David Greeman, there were a number of rather tricky running plays, involving the moving-phalanx-of-blockers play and the hand-the-ball-off-fifteen-or-twenty-times-or-as-often-as-you-can-before-you-finally-fumble play, but inasmuch as none of these plays were successful in the slightest degree, they cannot really be considered for the P.O.T.G. award. However the clear winner of this year's Uncle Meatball Commemorative Trick Play Trophy (awarded each year to the executors of the most outrageously bizarre cheating gambit) was an original variation on the traditional Double Football Ploy, in which an extra football is surreptitiously introduced under the coat or sweatshirt of one of the players for the purpose of sowing utter confusion. In this year's version, a second football was inconspicuously placed under Julia Ilian's coat by the Bonet Avenue team. The ball was snapped to your correspondent (charitably donating his services to the same team), while everyone else ran helter-skelter downfield. After several moments of chaos, someone rushed in and "nailed" yours truly, the quarterback, who pointed downfield and said "Ha ha, this isn't the real football, the real football is down there," indicating Julia, who was standing in the end zone, triumphantly waving the ball she had just produced from under her coat. "We fooled you; it's a touchdown." The non-Bonet players shook their heads morosely, turned, and obligingly trudged down to the other end to receive the ensuing kickoff. However the real "trick" aspect to the play is that the claim was false. The ball held by yours truly the quarterback was in fact the "real" ball, while Julia's ball was the phony. Thus the play should have been ruled dead behind the line of scrimmage. But of course Swine Bowl's well-established Law of Hertzian Priority states clearly that any time you can fool the other team into believing anything, it's legal; thus the touchdown stands. A good thing too, because we needed that play to establish the requisite tie and go on over to Boom's. (Some of the older players were getting tired.)

Final Comments: As several observers have already noted, the dominance of the third generation of Swine is already becoming an established pattern. Dustin Taylor moved several steps closer to the Hall-of-Fame status that his dad Nick has already achieved by taking over quarterbacking duties for long periods, while Jon Greeman showed the flashes of brilliance that have established him as a rising star. However, the award for Most Improved Player once again went, for the 38th consecutive year, to Mark Lance Bloom. (There's no end to it: Boom just gets better and better.) Most players performed as expected: Jenny G was superb as hard-driving player-coach, the mother-daughter linebacking team of Jude and Cassie was fearsome as ever, Jody punted furiously skyward, the Greeman Brothers patiently ground out yardage by means both fair and foul, Sam intercepted countless passes, Allie made a number of spectacular dives in the end zone, and Michael Waltuch offered his usual mixture of shrewd play-calling and towering Hamas-style rocket launches. The Central Park Conservancy's motor patrol was effectively neutralized by the engine-sabotage program instituted several years ago; the program has been deemed a success and granted renewed funding by the Board.

Missed most keenly, of course, was beloved father/brother/friend Peter Greeman, whose absence can never fail to cause ache in our hearts. We still have Swine Bowl, of course, but in a certain sense it cannot be quite the same. Yet the spirit of PeeGree lives on. And we very much hope to see Tammy in our ranks again--with or without sandwiches.

That's it for this year. So long, folks!

Respectfully submitted,

D. Dogge, Esq.