Hi everybody, sorry for being so late with the Swine Report, I know you've all been lying awake nights wondering when it was coming and then checking your inboxes every 3 minutes in the daytime, but happily that's all over now. Alas, I've waited so long that much of the information has faded from my brain. Fortunately, I had some responses to my request for Swine data from field correspondents; these will have to serve in place of my own spotty recollections. I am especially indebted to a Mr. Nick Taylor, of New York City, who furnished a wealth of material. A Mr. Robert Grobe, of Reston, Virginia also contributed. Their reports are furnished below.

Present at Swine Bowl LIII, to the best of my recollection: Greemans Richard, Julie, Jenny, Peter, Tammy, David, Tim, Rachel, Jonathan; Taylors Mark, Anya, Nick, Dustin, Courtney; Hills Tony, Sheila, Elliot; Grobes Robert, Connie; Boom; Mitchel; Michael Waltuch; Breslaws Jody, Yours Truly, Allie, Sam; Tharingers Jude, Cassie; Max Gitlen (in his Swine Bowl debut). Please correct (and forgive) me if I've left anyone out. Notable absences: Polly, Aaron Beezlow (who has been fined and suspended for the serious infraction of missing a Swine Bowl while actually in New York), Ed Greenblat. (This tally does not apply to residents of distant provinces such as California and New Mexico. Nor the laggards--you know who you are--who blow off the on-field activities but show up for supper at Boom's.)

On the whole a very good attendance (up from last year) and a very enjoyable game. The weather was mild and, I seem to recall, sunny. Or at least hazily sunny. This year there were no fires at Morris and Rose's, no surprise appearances by either captain (both reported on time sober in ordinary dress), and no serious injuries or deaths on the field. There were the usual pre-game rumors of possible permission to return to our old field and/or of coverage by the New York Times, but--as is becoming a tradition of its own--both rumors proved false. A pleasant innovation was the packing up of the Swine Banner following the team photo, dispensing with the convention of wrapping it around a tree or suspending it from a ladder during the game, thus avoiding the traditional armed conflict with park authorities (whose illegitimate claims the Swine Association nonetheless continues to dispute--more on our ongoing legal action as it unfolds) and promoting a generally more relaxed atmosphere. A remarkably genial and patient young man passing by was recruited to take the team photo (or photos), certainly one of the most able and cooperative in the annals of Swinedom. May blessings follow him wherever his path takes him (to the East Side, it looked like).

As for the game itself, it has become a blur in the memory. However, the following dispatch was filed by Nick Taylor:

"Sam had 3 interceptions for touchdowns, must be a swine single game record. Dustin had an amazing game at wide receiver, corner back, and punter. At one point we were playing with two balls, which neither defense nor offense was prepared for. Jenny G had a fantastic touchdown pass. Cassie and Courtney were our star tailbacks. Little Jonathan G (probably wouldn't like to be called little, but in case there's a bigger version) had an amazing day and caught some great passes, including one that Allie just missed defending. Allie, Sam, and I got in our own way on defense so many times that we were unable to break our team single game interception record (382). Cassie's boyfriend Max had an amazing dive for a missed tackle against Little Jonathan, but the dive was spectacular. There was a record for plays that actually took place entirely out of bounds, and also for forward laterals. Tony had 47 offsides penalties and made a number of changes to the football rule book. Charlie Chicken had a couple of good passes, as did Boom, and Jody nearly caught a pass."

Correspondent Robert Grobe filed a dispatch regarding "Mitchel Craner's spectacular 60 yard touchdown run--his first since 1844--made possible by diverting the opposition with a second football ostentatiously displayed by cunning teammates at the other end of the field."

To these reports I merely add a few observations: Tony's legendarily fierce pass rush seems to increase every year in promptness. Several times he was able to lay hands on the passer mere nanoseconds after the snap. Several spectacular touchdown passes were flung into the sky by Nick Taylor descending eventually into the hands of Allie Breslaw. Returning to the active player roster were veterans Peter Greeman and Mark Taylor, both clearly just beginning to approach their prime. However, the third generation of Swine does seem well on its way to becoming dominant. Even Junior Swine standout David Greeman (remember when he cried because we were using his football?) is having to make way for the new stars. The Rookie of the Year award, however, went by unanimous acclaim to a mere second-generation (by association) Swine, Max Gitlen, whose all-around dazzling play constituted the most spectacular Swine debut in years. Although Boom continues to get better and better at quarterback with each passing Swine Bowl (he has won the most improved player award for 28 consecutive years), his supremacy is being increasingly challenged by the pinpoint passing, mobility, play-calling ability, and fiery leadership of Jenny Greeman, who at moments seemed to rouse her team almost single-handedly to a transcendent level of play. The all-around brilliance of the mother-daughter linebacker team Jude and Cassie Tharinger was somewhat offset by that duo's frequent resort to distracting sideline conversations. Timmy Greeman was presented with a Lifetime Achievement Award for his years of service as Supervisor of Huddles and Play Design. Jody's thundering punts seemed slightly less altitudinous than in previous years (his height records are safe, of course) but proved as powerfully uncatchable as ever. And of course it must be observed that the general level of cheating at Swine Bowl has advanced to a remarkable level of refinement and sophistication. The days of Uncle Meatball simply walking the ball five yards forward on each play seem like nostalgic visions of a simpler time. On the other hand, having Uncle Meatball preside once more over pre-game ceremonies did restore a certain sense of fitness and dignity to the proceedings (or was it the opposite?).

That about sums it up. Kudos to all who participated. Thanks once again to Boom and Kay and their dogs for hosting the usual lavish post-game reception. Amazingly, the requisite game-ending tie occurred (as it seems to every year) just when the assemblage began getting cold and hungry. Funny how that works. All in all, a marvelous event. We look forward already to Swine Bowl LIV. (Polly, Aaron, Ed: be there or die.)

I have a bunch of photos, but am working with my trusty tech support Howie on figuring out how to send them. My plan is to e-mail a few and have Julie put the rest on the web site. If anyone else has photos you can send Julie, please do so.

We at the staff of the Swine Gazette extend best wishes to you all.

Respectfully submitted by

Your correspondent, D. Dogge